December tends to be a time of reflection for me. When I look at back at myself from two years ago, and compare her to myself today- it’s as if we are two different people.
Two years ago I was working at a job that I wanted to love, but the pressure and stress of trying to be an exceptional employee and an exceptional wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend etc. was too much. I was in a role that should have been split into at least two different jobs, and the amount of stress I was carrying was intense. I felt as if I was failing at balancing all of my roles and this caused me to have severe anxiety and depression.
I would cry on my way to work every morning. I would say a prayer, dry my eyes, swipe on some lip gloss and put a fake smile on my face as I walked through the doors. I would keep this fake front on for my team and clients until I left. And then I would crumble into the seat of my car and cry all the way home.
I had a stress induced migraine every single day. When I would get home from work, I would go straight to my bed and pull the covers over my head. The only real time I spent time with my two sons was when they would climb into my bed and watch a movie quietly while I would try to sleep off my migraine. Do you know how painful it is for me to type that?
I started shutting people out of my life because it was just easier. Those closest to me were so worried about me. I couldn’t even really talk about what I was going through because it would cause even more stress and anxiety to build up. I also tend to internalize things, and I truly felt like no one could completely understand.
I stopped exercising, and began very unhealthy eating habits. I stopped sleeping at night because I would constantly wake up panicking. I would often wake up and make lists of all the things I didn’t want to forget. There was never enough time to get it all done, which would send me into a spiral.
Both of my boys were struggling with their behavior- never at school- only at home. My oldest would have terrible meltdowns every single time I would pick him up from my mom’s house. It didn’t dawn on me until much later that he was most likely doing that because that was the only place where he felt a sense of stability and comfort. Thank God for my Momma.
My phone became an emotional trigger for me. Anytime I would get a text message or a phone call, I would begin to shake, afraid of what fire I needed to put out this time. On December 19, 2017 I broke. I had my first (and hopefully last) full on anxiety attack after a phone call. Josh held me and called my mom. Together they got me through it. After I had calmed down, he looked me in the eyes and said, “You have to resign tomorrow”. I nodded my head and got my first good night of sleep in months.
The next morning I typed up my resignation letter and met with my boss later that day. I felt such a huge release and a weight off of my shoulders, but also a deep sadness. No one really understood why I stayed as long as I did. It was because of my team and the clients. I was sad to leave them, but deep in my heart I knew I had to my own well being.
After my last day at my job, I promised my Husband I would take the next three months to heal and rest. And that’s exactly what I did. I would often turn my phone off for 24 hours at a time because I could now. I was sleeping in and reading books. I was starting to exercise again. I started meal planning and grocery shopping- this is something that I hadn’t done in such a long time because I couldn’t handle one more thing on my plate. I was taking my boys to school and picking them up every single day without fail. I was going to all the school events and not having to step out to answer my phone and respond to text messages.
I felt free and happy. I started going to church again, and reading the Word. I started having lunch with friends and meeting up for coffee. I started doing all the things I hadn’t done in so long.
And then I read a little book called “Girl, Wash Your Face” and it lit a fire in me to really give this “Virtual Assistant” thing that I had learned about a few months prior a chance. I was bent, but not broken. I decided to believe in myself and the gifts that God has given to me. And now, here we are.
So my why? My why is for my Husband and our two sons. They have their wife and momma back. My why is also for myself. I don’t think that is selfish. It’s honest. I wasn’t put on this Earth to just exist and barely make it through life. I believe with all my heart I am here to make an impact and to thrive.
My why is also for you. The momma who is reading this right now with tears in her eyes because you can relate to some or all of my story. I see you. I’ve been there. I’m here for you. It is my passion to show and teach other women how they can build their own Virtual Assistant business and completely change their life. You can have it all. You can have a healthy balance. I used to think it wasn’t possible. It is, and you deserve it. Maybe you don’t have anyone else who believes in you- let me be that person for you.
So here we are on December 6, 2019. I look in the mirror and I am proud of the reflection staring back at me. I wouldn’t change any part of my story. Even the ugly parts. It has all contributed to the woman I am today.